It’s funny how things happen when you least expect it.  Is there a plan laid out for all of us?  Or is it merely a coincidence that when you need things the most, they just magically show up.  There are times when I have really wanted something.  Unbearably desired something to happen and it never did. But it was something I dreamed of having.  Not something I really needed.  Because I was generally okay.  Things were going okay.

I really wanted to find a new job for the longest time.  But I already had a good job so there was no need for me to get another one.  But it was something I wanted.  Never happened.

When I was desperate to get out of Russia, the FSB came along and cancelled my visa.  That was unexpected.  When I was down and out and desperate for a job, any job, I went to lunch with an old friend just to network and she offered me a job.  That was unexpected.  When I was depressed and contemplating suicide I had to reach deep inside myself and yank myself out, never imagining I had it in me, and never looking back.  Are the forces inside or out?

Are we subconsciously forging our own destiny?

Growing up TCK I learned to accept things I didn’t like or expect.  I said good bye to four best friends and many more close ones.  I walked away from 16 cities I called home.  But each new place was a new beginning and meant new friends and experiences.  Moving on, bouncing back, was second nature.

Until the last one.  It was different.  I was a single mom, I crawled into a hole and stayed there.  I didn’t make new friends, I didn’t reach out.  I dug in.  I went inside.  Deep inside.  I spent a lot of time exploring my past, and living with my own demons.

I thought releasing them would be enough.  But it was not until I watched an old friend dying that I came into myself again.  His death woke me up.  I had been sleeping and hiding.

I am now fully awake and my old friends are my new friends.  My life is new every day.  And I am again open to the world around me.  It is nice.  I am happy.  Things happen for a reason and they happen when the time is right.

Internal or external?  I think they work together.

What do you think?