resilience

Determination
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Last night I watched the film “True Spirit” about Jessica Watson who sailed around the world solo, non-stop, at age 16. I would say that is determination. First of all, who wants to do that? It takes a certain mind-set. It was her dream to do it and she was able to succeed. It almost killed her but imagine how it felt when it was over. A huge high. At 16, I would image you spend the rest of your life trying to live up to it all. But she learned a lot about herself, life, death, and the sea. She will always have that experience. The film was quite moving. It is available on Netflix.

Another film I watched recently was “Lee”. It is about Lee Miller who was a highly sought after Vogue model in the 1920’s. When she left modeling, she picked up a camera and spent time studying with Man Ray in France and photographing her socialite friends. When the war broke out she was an established photographer living in England with her husband, Ronald Penrose. She became a war photojournalist for Vogue and managed to talk her way to the Front. Miller took thousands of photos and was one of the first photographers to enter Dachau. It all had a profound effect on her. The film covers a short period of her life but shows her determination to succeed in a man’s world. Kate Winslet does a good job in the starring role. It is available on Netflix.

For the TCK in you, I came across a couple of new books.

“Blue Feet Monsoon” by Cynthia Green. It takes place in post-colonial Singapore, Anoushka’s seventh country – Peru, Brazil, India, Philippines, Japan, Colombia and Singapore. Anoushka decides she really likes Singapore so she pretends to volunteer at the elderly ward of a hospital in order to find somebody to teach her to speak Hokkien. She thinks it will make her fit in to her new country. This kicks off a series of adventures. The book is fast paced and a fun trip through adolescent ups and downs. I enjoyed this fast paced book about change and movement.

“Between Worlds: An Expat’s Quest for Belonging” by Inga Aksamet. Inga has written several books about hiking, camping and travel. This is her memoir about growing up TCK. She starts out in Pakistan at age four. She crisscrosses the globe always returning to California between postings. She evacuates from Pakistan and Bangladesh because of wars. She searches for her own identity through all the changes and challenges of constantly being uprooted. In the end she finds her calling as an oncology nurse. I enjoyed this story of self discovery. As I traveled through Inga’s world, I could relate to her adventures and traumas having lived in Asia, South America and even Oakland myself. It sounds like it all worked out very well for her in the end. I recommend it.

Trailing: A Memoir

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There has been much discussion lately about the term “trailing spouse” and whether it is appropriate or even polite. It projects a sense of “other” rather than something that makes up a whole. I usually conger up a vision of a dog’s tail. Other terms being used are “accompanying partner”, “expat wife”, “support partner”. Expat Lingo says she had been called a ‘stakeholder at home’. I have used the term ‘world juggler’ before.

But in the end, whatever you call it, the trailing spouse is usually the support system, the glue that holds it all together. Sometimes the glue falls apart and life can be rough.

In Trailing: A Memoir by Kristin Louise Duncombe, things fall apart.  Kristin grew up all over the world so when she met her Argentine husband, the thought of moving overseas didn’t seem so strange. Although she did have her reservations about putting her career on hold, she didn’t have a passion about what she did and had not clearly defined what she wanted to do. Her husband, a doctor with Doctors Without Borders was passionate about what he did and had no questions about what he was going to do. She was in love. She married him and went to Kenya.

Being a TCK (Third Culture Kid) myself, I also thought following my husband overseas would be no problem. Even though you have lived in many places around the world, the child TCK and the Adult TCK have different experiences and challenges. I had no support system behind me as we just up and moved. Kristin had a small “family” of doctors but it did not help much since most of them were single and always on the road. Her husband was gone much of the time.

On the other hand, I think she showed remarkable resilience. She found herself some work at a Nairobi hospital helping teens and eventually found a position with USAID at the US Embassy. Unfortunately the Embassy was bombed and she lost her job but by that time her husband had taken a position in Uganda. After having a baby, she finds a job in a small village outside Kampala. She never sees her husband and the marriage starts to unravel.

I found myself identifying with this book on several levels. I had a difficult adjustment when I moved to Russia. My husband was a freelancer. There were no benefits or perks. As soon as I landed I was expected to find a job and help with financial support. If found jobs mainly doing clerical administrative work but I also fell into a writing position for the American Women’s Club and was able to improve my writing skills and help other expat women at the same time. I edited and produced a newsletter that helped to build a community.

Everybody has a different experience when they live overseas. I knew couples who were both professionals in their own right. I knew women who moved around the globe on their own and met their husband along the way. One woman was a very successful diplomat and her husband did his own thing in another country but was able to work remotely. Some people take the time to write books. There is always something to do. I found my way and started writing and wrote a memoir.

The current challenge for international organizations is to find the balance and provide options for accompanying partners. With today’s technology, there are much more possibilities available.

Kristin’s happy ending was her husband accepted a position in Paris and she managed to set up a successful counseling practice working with expat families who are trying to cope with life overseas. After having gone through the worst of it, she now had all the tools necessary to help others in similar situations.Trailing: A Memoir is well written and engaging. It makes me want to know more about her. It is available on Amazon.com.

 

 

The Emotionally Resilient Expat

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I have been following Linda Janssen’s blog for a while now and I was happy to meet her at the Families in Global Transition conference this last spring. She has been supportive of my book and my writing and is an engaged interested interesting expat. She has just published “The Emotionally Resilient Expat: Engage, Adapt and Thrive Across Cultures”.

The blurb on Amazon says:

Living abroad offers enriching experiences of growth, broadened perspective, enhanced cultural understanding. Yet its transition-rich, change-driven, cross-cultural nature can place considerable demands, leaving us stressed, disconnected, our identity in flux. Building on existing literature and benefitting from recent developments in psychology and brain-body connections, The Emotionally Resilient Expat: Engage, Adapt and Thrive Across Cultures shows the key to successful transitions and beyond lies in emotional resilience to adapt, adjust or simply accept. Linda A. Janssen combines candid personal stories from experienced expats and cross-culturals, with a wealth of practical tools, techniques and best practices from emotional, social and cultural intelligence, positive psychology, mindfulness, stress management, self-care and related areas. 

“Using personal story and solid theory in her groundbreaking book on emotional resilience, Linda A. Janssen guides those facing the challenges of cross-cultural living to dig under the initial rocky surfaces of overseas life to discover – and use – the rich gold of their own experience. A great resource for expats of all backgrounds.” Ruth E. Van Reken, Author, Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds.

I was honored last year when she asked me to write some personal anecdotes that illustrated resilience in my own expat life.  My stories show up under the chapter “Connecting Externally: Find Your Tribe or Build Your Own; Make an Effort”.  Before Linda approached me I had always thought of myself as a survivor.  I had been through some tough experiences and had some trouble adjusting but I had always been able to come out okay in the end.  I worked to find a way to fit in, to find my niche, to entertain myself, to make friends, to learn.  I had never used the word resilient before. When she started talking about resilience, some things started to fall into place for me. It made me think of bouncing, bouncy. Like I was floating along and sometimes I would go under but was always able to come up for air. Because of Linda resilience has now become part of my story.

I immediately went out and bought this book. It looks like it will make a good companion to Ruth’s book Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds and I will be reading it again and again.

Thanks Linda.